Faking it - our girl poisoning culture

I just love women standing up for other women and girls!

A recent article (full link below) on how glossy magazines are quickly poisoning our girls is just great. It discusses how images are faked to make girls believe these are true images of real women - and some of the ways in which mothers and other women are fighting back. Of course we gals love fashion, makeup and jewellery - adorning ourselves is one of the great privileges we have as women - but let's keep it real!

Women's Forum Australia are staging a 'Get Real' forum in Melbourne this coming weekend on 18th August with parodying titles such as 'Of Course You're Not Hot'; 'The Stick Insect Diet' and
'Hate Your Body - We show you how'. WM's - get on down there with your daughters and show them some real women - and better yet, don't buy those magazines and don't let your daughters buy them either. You KNOW they don't make you feel good about yourself....

http://www.smh.com.au/news/miranda-devine/paradise-glossed-magazines-driving-girlpoisoning-culture/2007/08/04/1185648206332.html

Working Mums Tip#5: Sending Out the Most Useful Message

The way you communicate, like it or not, is going to be a key part of how you are perceived. Research has shown that our Body Language contributes 55% of our communication, Voice (tone, pitch, volume, etc) is 38% and our words or content are only 7%!

So assertive body language is important for you as a Working Mum to be able to deal with negative comments that will inevitably come your way – from family, work collegues, scrunch points, other school mums (‘muffia’) comments.

The key is to ‘get really conscious’ about HOW you come across rather than just coming across. Ask yourself “what messages am I giving out’ and how might these effect how I’m being perceived?

So what can you do to be perceived as a congruent and confident Working Mum with your Body Language and Voice’?

1. Act as if………fake it till you make it

2. Be witness conscious – see yourself from outside

3. Keep eye contact when listening to others

4. Choose your position in a room wisely, stand next to someone in authority

5. Have your hands visible above the table

6. Take a notebook to meetings and use it!

Some of these things may sound like common sense - and feedback has been that many women don't do this! Being prepared and knowing what to do is the first step.

Working Mums Tip#4: Stop the Guilt by Managing Your Internal Self

If your most important values are not being met, you’re more likely to be stressed and more likely to be less satisfied. This dissatisfaction can present itself in a number of ways – and guilt is the most common!

We’re going to have a quick look at guilt with a view to you being aware of when this happens so you have an opportunity to manage it vs letting it run you. What, if anything, do you feel guilty about as a working mother? Write it down!

Be aware of what triggers your guilt so you can put in place measures to counter/prevent it. Challenge your guilt – is it your voice - or someone else’s?

When you feel guilty, check in with yourself – and particularly check your values:
– Check what you feel guilty about specially if its happening regularly
– What’s giving rise to the guilt?
– What’s behind the feeling you have?
– What’s the value underneath that?
– If it’s happening on a regular basis, what’s the trend?

Limiting beliefs – where the guilt comes from

Guilt can also be created by limiting beliefs which we will touch on now.

What is faulty or negative thinking, or a limiting belief? It is a belief I have about myself that limits me from being my true self. If you feel your energy is low or negative, you are probably saying something to yourself that is limiting.

Our beliefs influence how we feel and behave rather than events – events are actually neutral – but how we interpret them is not neutral ie we usually make it good or bad.

For example , just say you forget to pack your child’s lunch for school – perhaps you think ‘I’m such a bad mother’ rather than ‘Today I forgot to pack his/her lunch’. What’s underlying this thought – that you must remember everything, every day of the year? You’re only human, aren’t you?

How we appraise situations is critical in determining how we respond. Have you heard the concept of ‘above the line/below the line’ behaviour i.e.

Ownership
Acceptance
Responsibility
______________________________
Blame
Excuse
Deny

Above the line behaviour in life situations (including working mum situations) are generally what successful people do. They don’t get stuck in blaming, excusing, or denying (others OR themselves!) and just get on with the job at hand.

If our beliefs and thoughts are self-limiting, self-sabotaging, irrational (not based on evidence) they are a barrier to our success. What’s the belief? Does it support me? If not, then change it!

Working Mums Tip#3: Tips for dealing with ‘Scrunch Points’

‘Scrunch points’ is a term we’ve made up to describe where the different roles and parts of our lives often collide and there can be tension and conflict and old mother guilt can raise her ugly head!

The scrunch points tend to be times when our stress level rises fast, usually because we’re dealing with multiple needs and multiple expectations, coupled with an unforgiving deadline. It is useful to be aware of which things create most stress for you so that you can try and anticipate these and put measures in place to manage them as effectively as you can

Some common scrunch points can be the transitions we have to make - where our different roles as working mums overlap e.g. at home in the morning just before you go to work or at work at night, trying to get home. Or the most stressful times could be things like - having to tell your kids/boss about your absence or what to do when kids are sick.

What are the main issues you have to deal with in this space? What stresses you? What happens to you in these transitions?

How are you thinking/feeling at these times? Is this helping you or making things worse? Here are some tips to help you through these scrunch points:

1. Get into witness conscious – ie as if you were outside yourself looking at yourself. Identify the emotion you are feeling (vs. the reaction – which is commonly your behaviour under pressure) and then at least you feel more in charge and not at the beck and call of others. Also remember that children often pick up on your emotion and act it out.

2. Give yourself time - what is this really about? If you do have a strong emotional reaction – remember to give yourself a chance to recover before you act on anything. Buy time by making a phone call, checking your diary, going to the bathroom. What comes up for you? Is it a theme? Do you need to do something about it? How can you re-frame what you are saying to yourself and stop the negative tape playing inside your head?

3. Do a values check! If you have a strong feeling/reaction, it is likely that your values are being affected. Be proactive and check out your response. Try and work out what’s really bothering you i.e. which value is being affected and try and find a way of looking after that more effectively.

4. Consider your physical self – body language, dress, voice, etc and see if by adjusting that you can help calm the situation e.g. movement – speed up or slow down your pace, breathing – take 6 seconds to reengage the neocortex.

5. Consider your environment – lighting, music, candles, oils, sprays, flowers, pictures, the car or your journey home. What can you do or use to change the state you’re in and make it more useful?

6. Ask yourself – what’s most important to me right at this moment?

It is is really useful to have some strategies up your sleeve for when these scrunch points occur.

Working Mums Tip#2: Strategies for Decision Making and Easier Choices

Once we are clear about what’s important to us, then we can feel more confident and less stressed about the choices we have to make. However here are some extra strategies you can use to distinguish between the options available to you:

1. Control/influence

Do you have total control over the decision eg will I get up and meditate this morning? Or do I only have influence in this decision (not total control) and need another person’s agreement to make it eg can I leave work at 5pm today?

2. Compromise/choice

Do you consciously choose this option rather than making it a compromise and resenting it? Eg choosing to take on more work at a particular point and explaining ’why’ to family etc. The key here is your language – eg. ‘I choose to take on more work at this point’ rather than ‘I have to take on more work’. It makes a difference to how you feel!

3. Drain/fill

Does this option drain you of energy or fill you with energy? eg working with people you really like who make you laugh will fill you with energy; or deciding not to see a friend anymore because they are always negative or needy and drain you of energy.

Sometimes the combination of these top 3 factors can be useful eg - if you have to do something that drains you of energy and you have no control or influence over this decision or situation, then you can choose to do it for a certain time. See what a difference choosing makes rather than being a victim of the situation. Don’t believe me – just try it!

4. Should/want to

Are you ‘shoulding’ on yourself or do you really ‘want to’ do something? Eg staying home with your kids when you don’t want to because you think ‘I should – a good mother does’ will only cause you stress (and the kids know anyway)! However if you really like doing PR - then offer to do it for the school musical! If you like it, it will give you energy and you’ll always find the time to do these ‘fun’ things.

If you are ‘shoulding’ and feel that you ‘have’ to do it – then choose it! Or perhaps think - will it help to fulfil a higher value of yours? Eg Maybe you don’t really want to work on the school ground’s working bee – but you really care about the environment so choose something to do that will assist that!

5. Faith in ability/motivation to do it

Do you have the motivation to do it? Or are you doing it just because you can and you’re good at it? Many working mums often get asked to do things and they do it because they can – not because they want to or are motivated to do it. So take some time before making a decision to feel inside and think ‘Do I really want to?’ Even if you can do it standing on your head- you don’t have to prove it to anyone any more!

Also remember - do you think you can do it? Because ‘If you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right!

Wanted: A Good Part-Time Job

I just read a letter in the New York Times that states that not only do 60% of Working Mums wanted to work part-time - but so do many fathers.

So what is it that stops employers valuing the talent that' s out there in the part-time pool - or listening to their people - women and men - who want to use their skills and be able to spend time with their families or on other pursuits? Seems pretty short-sighted thinking to me...

Also with the aging population, many people - both men and women - will need to be spending more of their time as carers looking after aging parents. Very similar scenario to working mums with dependent children, me thinks. Or just even being part-time retired, part-time working - so they can enjoy life as they want in their later years.

So savvy employers - get with the program - more good part-time quality jobs please! The demand will only increase not go away - and your workers will thank and reward you with loyalty and commitment.